Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.