(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Cake!!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me