I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.