We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it