I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
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I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Her: It wasn鈥檛 all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it鈥檚 either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
There is a 100% chance you鈥檝e had this conversation with your mom:
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I鈥檓 a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it鈥檚 only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who鈥檚 the dumb one now?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
饾槢饾槱饾槩饾樀 judge.
Client: What鈥檚 wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.