DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?