Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist