If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*praying for world peace*
God:
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.