There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Thoughts
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job