the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
#Caturday
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*