[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
is this a warning or an offer?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.