What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Boom, boom, ching!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.