“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]