Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
no!! no!!!!!!
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.