Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago