I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
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john wicks are toilet candles
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said