A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Need this in my life lol
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”