Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.