If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”