Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
#dnd #ttrpg
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.