HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
May never get over this
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.