HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
spot the difference
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
idk flipping houses looks really hard