Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.