If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo