Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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Bro what is this
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
No. He’s not coming out to play
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.