WTF IS THAT!
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.