Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.