the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
You Might Also Like
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job