Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
lmao
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave