A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Chemical wingman
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…