A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective