beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee