doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
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The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.