My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Ironic
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*