ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
#dalle2
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy