(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Social distancing in Australia:
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today