the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡