With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.