Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them