H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Mad Max: Furry Road
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
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