She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no