“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them