This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I think this should do it.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t