You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
You Might Also Like
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.