I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
😅😅😅
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: