I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Trying
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”