So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Good morning.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.