Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Thanks to a fan for this one.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”