how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”