covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.